I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
