no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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