How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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