I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
