Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
