It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
