Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
