i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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