i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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