Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
there's paper in my vomit.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
