It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
