yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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