Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
