How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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