saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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