I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
