Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
