Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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