I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
