Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
