You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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