Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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