I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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