That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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