I wish I could punch you in the face.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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