I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Did I show you my penis last night?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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