i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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