I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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