life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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