I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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