what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
grandma shit on top of the toilet
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
