If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
