Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
