I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
