Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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