my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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