So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I supernannyed him into submission
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
