I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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