At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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