bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
