So drunk its hurt
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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