Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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