Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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