Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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