I can tuck mytits in my pants
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Of course I have a pirate flag
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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