Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
