...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
