If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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