So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
