I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
