Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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