Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
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you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
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WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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