I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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