In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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