Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
