The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
