Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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