Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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