My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize