saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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