I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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