the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
