I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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